All About Bipolar (in language you can understand!) - World Bipolar Awareness Day 2019

As World Bipolar Awareness Day is tomorrow (March 30^th 2019), I wanted to make a post about Bipolar, to raise awareness and to share my story in the hopes it might help people in similar circumstance, or educate others who don’t currently know much—or as much as they’d like to—about Bipolar. I decided to make two separate posts on the matter, this post will focus more on facts, and the other post will focus more on my own journey with the disorder. In this post I’ll outline what Bipolar is and how it’s classified, mood episodes like mania and depression, treatments for Bipolar, common misconceptions, how to be a great ally to someone diagnosed with the condition, a Q&A—as asked on my Instagram page—and finally a list of useful books and websites where you could learn more or get further support. I am a chronic over-explainer, so this post is long. If there’s one of those sections that peaks your interest more than others, just skip down to it!

What is Bipolar Disorder?

In as concise a definition as I can describe, Bipolar Disorder, once known as Manic Depression, is a life-long, severe mood disorder, under the clinical classification of psychosis, characterised by extreme states of mood and energy, referred to as ‘episodes.’

Lots of jargon there, but what does that all mean? Well someone with Bipolar will experience altered states of mood and energy, across a whole spectrum, but can come with symptoms—behaviours, feelings and emotions—grouped into episodes, which I will explain later in this post. The main episodes talked about and identified are depression and mania. In a nutshell depression is comprised of low mood, low energy, poor outlook on life, hopelessness, tiredness, poor sleep and personal hygiene. Mania is almost the opposite of depression with its key features of high energy, feeling no need for sleep, racing thoughts and rapid speech, however mania often interferes with a persons functioning—their ability to do day-to-day tasks like hygiene, eating, drinking, working etc.

The descriptor of ‘life-long’ means that once you’ve ‘got it’ (experienced established, cycling episodes, or maybe just one or two manic/depressive episodes), it’s there for life. This isn’t as definite as it sounds: some people are misdiagnosed with Bipolar and go on to have their diagnosis changed and so don’t have the label for life; others are able to achieve ‘remission’, meaning they’ve gone a while without an episode and no longer need intensive or regular input (some people achieve remission after their first episode, others may require longer treatment before they remiss), but the term ‘life-long’ means that they could go on to have another episode, any time in the future. However, for many people with Bipolar, ‘life-long’ literally means they struggle with symptoms and episodes for life. So far, I’m in that last category: I’ve had symptoms since I was 13 or 14, was diagnosed with Cyclothymia (I’ll come onto this soon) aged 17, and diagnosed with Bipolar and Psychosis aged 20. Since diagnosis and treatment I’ve had several periods of stable mood, but constant, or baseline, symptoms, and many mood episodes.

The word ‘severe’ is pretty self-explanatory: shit can get bad. I think the best way I can explain how severe Bipolar can be, especially left untreated, is through a story. Thomas is in his 50’s and currently in an inpatient psychiatric unit. He won’t leave his room, spends most of his time standing on his bed facing the far corner of the room, mutters to himself constantly, refuses to eat any food (some staff have heard him talking about poison and assisins) and hasn’t changed clothes or bathed since he arrived. Thomas smells horrible—this is because he’s lived on the streets for at least seven years (that’s when people around the town started seeing him often), and when a nurse finally coaxes him out of the corner, she notices scratches, cuts, bruises and scars all over his visible skin. What happened to Thomas? Thomas had untreated, undiagnosed Bipolar and has been living in this state on the streets for almost a decade. We’ll catch up with Thomas’ story later.

Mood Episodes

As I’ve said, Bipolar is characterised by mood episodes, but there are more than just Mania and Depression: these are the two extreme states which usually attract the attention of family members and healthcare professionals, but within these extremes are Hypomania (literally translated as ‘under mania’), and dysthymia—a ‘mild’ depression. I’ll try and explain each of these, and then add some more information and context about how these episodes may present.

Depression and Dysthymia

Depression is one of the most common mental illnesses in the world, so most people know what it is, but dysthymia isn’t so often heard of, probably because a lot of people with dysthymia are still functioning relatively normally (going to school or work, cooking and eating appropriate meals, washing and changing clothes etc). The most common ‘symptom’ of dysthymia is a general discontentment with life: someone who is dysthymic may be unhappy with how their life is, or their work, or relationships, but isn’t necessarily bothered to the point of doing something about it. They might feel tired and irritable, but not with big angry outbursts, more like a heavy sigh and a muttered ‘here we go again’. Apathy is defined as “a lack of interest, enthusiasm or concern”, someone with dysthymia could be described as apathetic about life: they’re unhappy, but they can’t be bothered to do anything about it. Depression is stronger, more noticeable, and usually impacts heavier on a persons’ life and functioning, depression turns apathy into lethargy. If we see apathy as a lack of enthusiasm, lethargy is defined as “a pathological state of sleepiness or deep unresponsiveness and inactivity.” Someone who is depressed will experience low mood (sadness and crying easily, feeling hopeless, extremely tired and feeling slowed down), low self-esteem or self-image (thinking things like “I am useless”, “no body likes me”), and sometimes thoughts of harming themselves (“everyone would be better off without me” or “my life isn’t worth living”). Other symptoms of depression can be low appetite, sleeping too much or too little, withdrawing from daily activities, stomach aches, headaches, anxiety (worry without cause), speaking of moving slower than usual, constipation, low sex drive and many others.

Mania and Hypomania

The real differentiator between someone experiencing a depressive disorder, like Major Depressive Disorder/Dysthymia/Uni-polar depression, and Bipolar Disorder, is the presence of either Manic or hypomanic episodes. Mania almost looks like the opposite of depression, with the exception of extreme anger or rage. Someone who is manic, as I briefly explained earlier, will generally be of high energy, feeling little or no need for sleep, seem ‘sped up’, talking very quickly for long chunks, experience ‘flight of ideas’ (which is exactly what it sounds like—lots of ideas in their head which fly away as quickly as they come. I like to describe it as my brain driving at 100mph and wooden hazards popping up, but without the time to steer around them I end up smashing straight through them). Mania also often brings an inflated sense of self-importance, which can lead to psychotic features like grandiose delusions: “I have been chosen by God”, “I’m actually the heir to the throne”, etc. Unusual talkativeness, unusually high energy, seeming ‘wired’ and ‘jumpy’, poor decision making (like suddenly spending a lot of money, gambling, drinking or taking drugs), and increased sex drive also often accompany the heightened energy and mood of Mania. Mania tends to interfere with functioning quite a bit, some people even lose their jobs, partners or families because of mania, or the decisions they make whilst manic. One thing that sets mania aside from ‘the opposite of depression’ is that someone’s mood when manic will not stay high/hyper/extremely happy, but often usually turn to disproportionate rage and being ‘on a short fuse’. If I were to describe my experience of Bipolar rage, it feels like everything is going wrong, and people are engineering situations to bring you down/irritate you. When it starts up I sometimes recognise that my reaction is out of proportion, but it’s like a volcano filled with white-hot fury which is inevitably about to erupt, at which point I’m powerless to stop it—so I either go with it and do damage, or fight it and look like the stereotypical ‘crazy person’ shouting at themselves with their hands over their ears… Regardless of my choice, I end by feeling completely out of control.

Hypomania—as I said earlier meaning ‘under mania’—generally encompasses similar symptoms to mania, but not as extreme. Poor decision making seems ‘down-graded’ from life-destroying decisions, to taking on more projects than someone would usually cope with, and doing things to excess, like drinking cups and cups of tea, or listening to the same song very loudly on repeat all day. Someone who is hypomanic may still be eating and sleeping, albeit interrupted or not sufficient (maybe getting distracted half way through a meal, or having lots of ideas they want to act on before bedtime). Hypomania doesn’t always bring the blind rage I explained about with mania, although someone may still be easily irritated.

There are other states someone with Bipolar may find themselves in, but they aren’t necessarily defined episodes. Sometimes the same mixtures of mood and energy can produce different states.

High energy + low mood = agitation

High energy + high mood = euphoria

Low mood + very high energy = paranoia: this area of the spectrum is most highly associated with psychosis, like the paranoid thoughts and beliefs that may come with schizophrenia as well as Bipolar with Psychosis.

Let’s look more at Thomas’ story:

When Thomas’ family was finally tracked down several weeks, almost 2 months, later, across the other side of the country, they explained that about 10 years ago Thomas suffered a ‘nervous breakdown’. They described his behaviour: Thomas had been doing well in life, he had 2 young children he was proud of, a steady job, loving partner. He’d been taking on a lot of responsibilities at work, at the kids’ school. He was full of ideas and enthusiasm for life. Very quickly Thomas began to speed up in every area of his life: he was barely sleeping, would talk a mile a minute, went to work early, spend his nights writings or painting or goodness knows what. One night, Thomas’ family woke up to what sounded like a house being knocked down, to find Thomas knocking down the wall of their kitchen. In the next week Thomas re-mortgaged the house and purchased a very expensive race car without telling his partner. His brother and partner sat down with Thomas to try and find out what was happening. The bank phoned whilst they were talking, asking about unusual purchases, and when his partner confronted him, Thomas began speaking about conspiracies, about people who were trying to harm his family, and other things his brother couldn’t understand. Thomas ran out the house and never came back. Thomas’ family also said that in the 10 years since Thomas went missing, his brother and mother had both been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. We now know that Thomas had had a manic episode with psychosis, that went untreated and undiagnosed to the point of homelessness. He had been extremely vulnerable on the streets, and it’s impossible to know how long his episode had lasted and if he’d had other episodes in this time or was still manic from that first episode.

Treatments

This section is more to inform you of the general treatments for Bipolar. I am DE-scribing, not PRE-scribing.

The golden standard treatment for Bipolar is a mood stabiliser called Lithium. Not much is known about how and why Lithium works, we just know that it does its job very well for most people. It’s basically a salt—lithium carbonate or lithium citrate— taken orally, however it can do damage to the body long term, and not everybody is suited to take it. It can cause Kidney problems, heart problems, thyroid function issues and diabetes insipidus (where the kidneys don’t filter sugar from the blood correctly). For this reason, blood tests are required every 6-12 months, along with heart monitoring. Lithium dosing varies person-to-person, and is dependant on the level of lithium in your blood—this needs to be tested in a blood test at least every 3 months. Some other drugs can be used as mood stabilisers, like lamotrigine, an anti-epileptic drug, however these can also cause depression and anxiety.

CBT and counselling can be used to help Bipolar depression, and some areas in England have Bipolar Education courses which can advise you best on how to manage your condition.

Sometimes anti-depressants are used for Bipolar depression, but should be used with caution as they can sometimes bump someone into a manic episode. In manic episodes benzodiazepines (tranquilisers) can be used to help a person relax or sleep: zopiclone, diazepam and lorazepam are commonly used this way. Some anti-psychotic medication can help in manic episodes, or can be prescribed for ‘agitation’ in Bipolar mania. Other anti-psychotic medication can be used as mood stabilisers, or to control hallucinations and delusions for those who also battle psychosis with their Bipolar.

Occasionally hospitalisations may be required to manage someone with Bipolar, especially if they are at risk to themselves or others. People are not always sectioned, but sometimes voluntarily agree to go into a hospital to manage their mental illness. Electroconvulsive Therapy (ECT) is still sometimes used for extreme, stubborn, treatment resistant depression, but is never forced on someone. Even if someone is being held under a section of the mental health act, they can dispute decisions on ECT treatment, either through a family member or a patient advocate.

Are there different types of Bipolar?

Yes and no. There are different classifications which vary country-to-country. In the USA there are something like 14 types of Bipolar. Internationally and in the UK, the most commonly recognised types are: Bipolar I (with or without psychosis), Bipolar II, and Cyclothymia. The general criteria for these are the severity of episodes. Bipolar I is made up of manic to depressive episodes and anything in-between, but at least one full manic episode is required for diagnosis, which has to either last 5 or more days, or require a hospital admission. Bipolar II is made up of hypomanic to depressive episodes. Cyclothymia is sort of a ‘subthreshold’ Bipolar condition, sometimes called Cyclothymic Bipolar Disorder, and is made up of hypomanic and dysthymic episodes. 50% of people diagnosed with Cyclothymia go on to be diagnosed with Bipolar type 1 or 2 later in life (I am one of those 50%).

Common Misconceptions

Misconception: people with Bipolar are dangerous to me or my children.

Reality: people with Bipolar are more likely to pose a risk to themselves than others, usually due to self-harm, abnormal thinking, poor medication management, psychosis, or depression leading to suicide attempts.

Misconception: someone with Bipolar cannot lead a meaningful life, they will be unwell until the day they die

Reality: whilst some people with Bipolar struggle to maintain a stable mood, most people are able to manage the condition with periods of stability, are able to work, date, have a family and a relatively normal life. Early diagnosis and intervention are key, along with proper access to mental health care and the right treatments.

Misconception: Mania is a really happy, hyper mood.

Reality: mania is often a lot scarier and unpredictable than depression, and can bring irritable mood, anger, rage, and can destroy peoples’ livelihoods, families and careers.

Misconception: People with Bipolar are psychos.

Reality: ‘psycho’ is short for ‘psychopath’. Psychopathic personality disorder is in a completely different category to Bipolar. If you’re using the term ‘psycho’ to describe hallucinations and delusions, you’re wrong. That’s called psychosis, not psychopathy. Psychopathy is a personality disorder in which a person manipulates and ruins others for personal gain, they have little or no respect and empathy.

Misconception: If someone with Bipolar is stable, they must be mentally healthy.

Reality: Baseline symptoms are symptoms of Bipolar that don’t go away with treatment, or stubbornly hang around even if you’re not in a Bipolar episode. These look different for everyone, but I personally struggle with social anxiety, poor sleep, poor appetite, irritability, and PMDD. I also take a lot longer to calm down after an exciting or stressful event.

Misconception: Bipolar is mood swings; my cousin said I could borrow her car yesterday but today won’t even give me the keys, she’s so Bipolar; ten minutes ago it was raining and now it’s sunny and warm out, the weather is so Bipolar.

Reality: Bipolar is so much more than ‘mood swings’. If someone is having severe mood swings and over-reactions which leave them mentally distressed, I’d advise you speak to a doctor about Borderline Personality Disorder. Janet not lending you the keys to her car after saying you could borrow them doesn’t make her Bipolar, it makes her flakey, or maybe she’s just a bitch. And the sky cannot have a severe, lifelong, psychotic, mental illness, so no matter how often those rainy clouds come out and go back in again in a day, the weather is not Bipolar.

Misconception: Bipolar is not a disability.

Reality: In England, a disability is a condition or illness which impairs one of more aspect of daily living, expected to last 12 months of longer. It’s case-by-case, but if Bipolar impairs (stops, hinders or interferes with) a persons’ daily functioning (working, walking, driving, feeding themselves etc) for 12 months of more (remember Bipolar is life-long), then they may indeed be disabled.

Misconception: Bipolar is like waking up and not knowing if Tigger or Eeyore is in the driving seat.

Reality: Bipolar is like having a life-long, severe, mental illness, which causes periods of elevated mood and energy which can literally destroy your life, and periods of severely low mood and energy which can also literally destroy your life, facing an onslaught of physical an psychological symptoms, often having doctors dismiss physical health concerns with “it’s cause by your Bipolar/medication”, workplace bullying (if you’re even well enough to work), and discrimination in many forms. So no, it’s not really like your brain is driven by a child’s story book character, but nice attempt at romanticising and normalising a severe mood disorder, Janet.

Q&A as asked on my Instagram

Q: Are you on medication for Bipolar?

A: Yes, I’m on Lithium, Quetiapine (and Procyclidine for extra-pyramidal side effects of Quetiapine).

Q: How did you end up being diagnosed?

A: I started having very slow, mild mood swings when I was about 12 or 13, and at 15 started hearing voices and seeing things other people couldn’t. I ended up depressed and self harming as a 14/15 year old and was diagnosed by Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services (CAMHS) with Cyclothymia. I was never put on mood stabilising medication, and my first adult psychiatrist said she thought I had traits of BPD, not Bipolar. In July 2016 I was admitted to a mental health unit (psych ward) in extreme mania and actively psychotic, and diagnosed with Bipolar and Psychosis almost immediately.

Q: Do the stereotypes annoy you?

A: I hope my sass came across in the ‘common misconceptions’, but yes! The worst one honestly is the Tigger-Eeyore thing.

Q: What is Bipolar Disorder? My friend has it and I’d like to understand it.

A: I hope this post has enlightened you, but scroll down to the section How To Be A Good Ally.

Q: Does Bipolar Run in families?

A: Yes it can do, but not exclusively. I’m the first in my family to have been diagnosed, but my mum and I sometimes ponder about other family members. It can be caused/triggered by traumatic events, but there is a genetic element (currently unidentified but generally agreed in the medical world).

Q: How does it classify as a mood disorder in comparison to a personality disorder?

A: Well simply put, Bipolar is a mood disorder, which is a completely different category to a personality disorder. Whilst it shares some similarities with BPD, the big differences are the cause of the symptoms: Bipolar is chemical, known as ‘organic’, hence it being treated with certain drugs. Various levels of hormones and chemicals can be imbalanced in people with Bipolar Disorder. Personality disorders are more to do with thought processes and cognition, hence treatment for BPD mainly being intensive therapy, DBT and partial hospitalisation programs to help someone cope with feelings and challenge their thought patterns.

Q: How does it make you feel on good days? How does it make you feel on bad days?

A: As I talked about baseline symptoms earlier, on good days I can feel relatively stable in mood, but still have crap quality of sleep, be anxious about talking on the phone or to strangers (sometimes even friends and family), and I’m kind of on edge and on the lookout for early warning signs. I also have to take medication which have some crappy side effects. On a bad day with mania I’ll be out of it and dissociated but on a crazy high, usually end up in hospital with mania. Bad day with depression looks bleak, black, lonely, filled with tears and possibly self-harm, not eating, staying in bed.

How To Be A Good Ally

I feel like I want to split this into ‘good’ and ‘great’ allies really. There’s only so much a friend can do without becoming really intensely involved. I guess some do’s and don’ts are a good starting point. The biggest thing I’d advise is to just be their friend: make sure they’re having a good time when you’re out and about, respect their boundaries (whether that be practical things like if they need to go home at a certain time, or take meds, or if you’re going to a pub and they don’t drink etc), and don’t act all weird around them once you find out their diagnosis—they’re still the friend you knew before, just with a few more pills in their pocket. If they’re unwell some basic ways of helping are phoning them in the morning or evening to make sure they’re taking meds/going to bed if manic, or making sure they wake up for work or school is they’re depressed; ensure they’ve eaten, maybe by cooking them some food or taking them out somewhere, or ordering food in together; if you’re really concerned about them, find the local crisis team number or phone their GP to make them aware. In terms of being a really great ally or advocate, you need to make sure you don’t take on more than you can handle, set out those boundaries when your friend is relatively stable. You could keep a copy of their advanced statement, offer to feed the cat/water plants if they have to go into hospital, have a copy of their relapse drill or early warning signs etc. Learning about Bipolar, myth busting and spreading awareness are also all great things you can do. If your friend asks you to come to a Bipolar UK support group, go for it! If they don’t know what Bipolar UK support groups are, tell them! Knowledge is power. Also you as a friend/family member/carer are welcome to go along to Bipolar UK support groups to get support for yourself. You might find yourself learning more, and able to share the difficulties of looking after someone with Bipolar.

What not to do: do not ask “have you taken your meds?” unless this is an agreed task. It gets irritating, tedious and can also be used as psychological warfare: I’ve had people try and gaslight me when they’ve upset by saying I look tired and asking if I’ve taken my meds. It’s horrible. Don’t do it. Don’t try and be a superhero; if you have agreed tasks in a relapse drill that’s fine, but if you end up going to their house every day and cooking them food, or scooping them up and taking them to A&E 3 nights a week, it’s going to get to a point where you don’t even want to be their friend any more, and it creates a dependency for them on you which can get unhealthy, quickly. Also if mental health/crisis services know there’s someone taking responsibility for your friend, they’re less motivated to provide support and do their job. So being a super-hero best mate can be far more damaging to all involved.

That basically wraps up this post. I really hope you’ve found even a little bit helpful, educational or enlightening, feel free to ask me any more questions about the topic, general or personal, I’ll do all I can to answer you. Best way to contact me is on my Instagram @frankiegrace_ or to leave a comment on this post so I see it on my Google+ account. I will be making another post soon, about my own journey/battle/story with Bipolar, so be sure to check back here soon, especially if you want to learn more about my personal Bipolar Disorder. I also do some pretty good advocacy on my Instagram every now and then so go check out my story highlights (especially the one called Bipolar Explained which goes through mania in more detail and why I think the way we score Bipolar mood needs revamping!)

Extra reading:

Books

Bipolar Disorder The Ultimate Guide – Amanda Saunders, Sarah Owen

Postcards From The Edge – Carrie Fisher, famous actress and Bipolar advocate

Bipolar Disorder For Dummies – Candida Fink, Joe Kraynak

When Someone You Love Is Bipolar: Help and Support for You and Your Partner – Cynthia Last

Websites/Organisations

Bipolar UK – Charity for people with Bipolar and their loved ones living in the UK. Find mood monitoring help and support groups/phonelines here

Mind – UK charity for all things mental health, provides general overview of the condition and signposts to where you can get help

World Health Organisation – WHO provide information, statistics and condition overview (including symptoms and recommended treatments) of almost every disease, worldwide

NHS – National Health Service in the UK, provides overview of Bipolar Disorder, signposting to other helpful organisations, and how to get help through NHS England, NHS Scotland or NHS Wales

Samaritans – UK suicide helpline, also provide telephone support for friends a family, and anyone in emotional crisis “You don’t have to be suicidal to phone.” Dial 116 123 from any mobile, phonebooth or landline in the UK

Christian Grief at Easter: Connecting the Truth of Easter with my Reality of Grief

Connecting the Truth of Easter with my Reality of Grief

Isaiah 25:8           He will destroy death forever

For the past few years I have been torn in my celebration at Easter. Since my brother died a lot of the verses and phrases that are commonly used within a church service or worship song—such as ‘death has lost its sting’—have me muttering and disagreeing, and sometimes feeling angry with God and all those worshipping sharing in this joy that death is no longer the end game. For me, hearing people sing “now death, where is your sting?” makes me want to stand up and shout “it’s here, it’s in me, it’s in grief and mourning and life!” For me, the sting is real because I’ve been left behind. Of course what the verse really speaks of is everlasting life in the Kingdom of God, and that we should be thankful and victorious knowing we will one day be reunited with our Saviour; and loved ones.

At my brother’s funeral we sang Thine Be the Glory as our first song, and when that song was put forward for my university’s Christian Union (CU) one week when I was in the worship team, I almost refused to sing it. This was the first time the song had been used around me since Josh’s funeral. I mentioned this to a friend at CU before worship began and she said she views the song and the line ‘death hath lost its sting’ as triumphant because although it still hurts for us, we know those people we miss are safe; we know their spirit is gone from their bodies, not sitting under 6ft of dirt or scattered in a field, but actually having a party so perfect and rapturous we wouldn’t be able to comprehend it if we tried. She said that for her, death has lost the sting of separation; she believes she will see her loved ones again, it’s just a matter of time.

I have often heard people say that the death of a close loved one has brought them closer to God or turned them from their faith completely. For me it surely made me believe in God more than ever, but for at least the first year after Josh’s death I resented God with a fire that could burn down a city. I couldn’t have turned away from someone I was so awfully angry with. I had so much anger inside of me, as I still do, but I was unable to reconcile this anger and forgive, because the person I had to forgive was this apparently all-knowing creature I can’t touch, see or feel. If He was all-knowing, shouldn’t He have stopped it? But I have always held the belief that my God is a fair God: He would never cure one boys incurable illness, that wouldn’t be fair. I knew in my heart that nothing anyone on Earth could do would have saved Josh from his early death, so I was angry that God had put me into my family, that He had allowed me to love so deeply this person who would be gone so soon, who wouldn’t even outlive his cat, whose muscles would slowly destroy themselves, who I would have to watch grow weaker my whole life until the end of his. But at the same time I wouldn’t want to imagine my life without him, my fun, brave, silly big brother who brought me and my siblings and my parents years of joy, wisdom and laughter. But after his death, all the world would sting: I would feel a ‘sting’ in church, watching children stand where his coffin lay, miming actions to ‘Fishy Songs’; I would feel a ‘sting’ on each anniversary or birthday without him; I can feel the sting of death every time someone asks how many siblings I have. The sting was and is so very real.

Somewhere through that first year without my brother, I came across a few bible verses and sermons about death and bereavement which I have clung to very tightly, the main one being “never again will death have the last word” from Romans 6:9. I actually asked if this could be put on Josh’s headstone, but a different verse was agreed on. I still intend to save up and engrave a stone with this scripture on, to lay at the foot of his grave. I cling to this verse because it gives me hope. Death losing it’s sting implies we shouldn’t be hurt by death, but Romans 6:9 tell you why you no longer need to be hurt by death. Of course this revelation doesn’t come overnight, you can’t choose how you feel and I still grieve and mourn heavily for my brother in my ordinary days. I don’t believe any bible verse will take away my grief. I don’t think I’d want one to, either, as my grief is also an expression of love and reminds me of the great relationship I shared with an amazing person and reminds me of how I am now changed for the loss of these. However anything that gives me hope is, I believe, worth my time and value. So I cling to this verse and know that one day I will see my brother again, that his incredible spirit has not been wasted or trapped in a coffin, it’s in Heaven enjoying the feast and party of eternity with Jesus.

Easter is a time when there are a lot of songs being sung about one man, God in flesh, rising from His own death. Lots of verses are spoken about how we shouldn’t mourn for Christians as they don’t need our mourning, having been saved. Sometimes this just reminds me that I have yet to be saved and confirms the feeling of being left behind. Last year however, the second Easter since my brother’s death, our vicar gave a very good sermon about the death of Christians and our relationship with grief after their passing. One of the things he likened it to is a daffodil bulb. Daffodils, heavily associated with springtime and Easter, don’t flower all year round, and for surface appearance seem to die shortly after flowering, just like how the human life seems very short and we die and retreat into bones and dust. Over Summer, Autumn and Winter we lose the bright vibrant daffodil and are left with no trace above ground, but we know the bulb stays underground, keeping its life but with no outward appearance. My vicar likened this to our spirits remaining real and alive after death, even though our bodies have died and decayed. We know that one day, we will see that beautiful strong yellow flower again. Just because the flower is gone, just because my brother is gone, just because Jesus was dead and buried, we still have hope that they will rise again, as Jesus did at Easter. The rest of Romans 6 is, for me, a declaration of faith. It reads that if we know that Jesus physically died, and believe that He physically rose again and ascended to Heaven after death, we too will physically die and our spirits ascend to Heaven. It declares that Jesus beating death means that death is beaten—the simplest way to explain Easter. Death is no longer the end-game, but eternal life with Jesus is. And so never again will death have the last word.

The rest of Romans 6:8-9 is this:

What we believe is this: If we get included in Christ’s sin-conquering death, we also get included in his life-saving resurrection. We know that when Jesus was raised from the dead it was a signal of the end of death-as-the-end. Never again will death have the last word.         - (Message)

If we died with Christ, we know we will also live with him. Christ was raised from the dead, and we know that he cannot die again. Death has no power over him now.       - (NCV)

Now if we died with Christ, we believe that we will also live with him. 9 For we know that since Christ was raised from the dead, he cannot die again; death no longer has mastery over him. – (NIV)

Christmas Eve 2016

And man, at war with man, hears not the love-song which they bring;

O hush the noise, ye men of strife, and hear the angels sing!

As I go about my usual Christmas Eve traditions-- last minute errands including card delivering and last spots of shopping (lemons, seeded cobs, CheeseTreeslets)-- I keep a look out for Christmas trees in windows, lights on garden trees, nativity scenes in windows. I always feel a sense of expectancy, magic, excitement; although the year's been hard and tomorrow will be no different, this day at least stays a constant for me.
In the afternoon I traipse down to the bus stop like every year at about 2pm, I know exactly how the rest of the day looks. Though not to the minute I know to expect these things: I will catch the bus into Nottingham city centre; I will go to Starbucks, buy a drink, watch the people passing and perhaps reflect on the year (I usually do this with a friend but this year she is spending Christmas in a different city); at 15:30 I will finish up and walk down the hill in town to St Peter's Church and go to the 16:00 Carol service by candlelight, then about 17:30 catch the bus back out of town and home; I will then wrap any last items I bought between the bus and Starbucks, eat dinner and 23:30 back out to midnight mass at my own church in Bramcote. Tomorrow I then expect another sequence of events; I will wake up, open my stocking, breakfast-- after this we would usually go to church again Christmas morning but since losing Josh it's been too painful and also impractical with our ageing (and stubborn) grandma-- AO's (adult offspring-- the term coined by our parents for my siblings and I since the eldest complaining "we're not kids!!", in spite of us still being their kids) will open our main presents with grandma probably eating a few mince pies and a cup of tea; then lunch; mum watches queen's Christmas address; sister's fiance arrives and we play some Christmas games and talk about the day; drive grandma home when sister & fiance leave ~4-5pm; Christmas TV evening. Boxing day, again filled with food, TV and relaxing.
But as I sat in the carol service this year, just 3 hours ago, as we sang It Came Upon a Midnight Clear, I was once again reminded of and touched by the desperate plight of many tonight throughout our world- our world- as they have no plans, facing nothing but uncertainty and fear. These people could right now be running for shelter, that of collapsed buildings where the bullets might not reach. Hopefully all the armed presence has moved from that area by now else they may also be subject to more attacks; bombs, grenades, capture and even execution for not living their captor's cause. If you're still reading, thank you, so many of us want to turn off from the crisis in Aleppo, the boarder-war being faced by those who have managed to flee the city, and the further foreign laws of those so well-traveled and exhausted only to be told there is no room at the inn. This time last year we were, as a country, in the throws of arguments and petitions between the ivory-towered politicians who voted for the air-strikes on Syria. This time we face a similar problem which no one is addressing; the lock down of the war's capital, Aleppo.
I'm sure everyone remembers Aylan Kurdish, a small boy found washed up, drowned, by a stranger, a boy who sparked our countries particular interest in this war, many petitions signed to pledge a room for a Syrian refugee child, or to oppose air strikes or any military action, or to open our boarders to an evacuee scheme. Where are those children now, or their parents? Because there aren't any in Beeston. There aren't any in the East Midlands I'm sure because as a nation (Britain) we love to toot our own trumpets; we would be boasting about our generosity and the massive part we're playing by graciously letting in these children- who else wise face a death sentence. But where are the articles? Where are the TV specials about our vital role with evacuees? And yes I shall refer to them as evacuees, because whilst they are refugees, taking  refuge, they actually have no refuge right now. Boarders are closing, boarders are closed and these evacuated people have no where to go. Have we a plague, spreading throughout the European countries? Yes I think so. Intolerance, ignorance.
No, not you nor I can save the world, we are not the saviors, we're the search party. There are things we can do, though, even from the comfort of our secure, safe homes even at Christmas time. The first step is talking about it. I don't intend for you to crowd your Christmas day with talk of refugees, evacuees and dying strangers in a far off land, but I would ask when you next see a picture of a still, grey child, you consider how they have ended up there; if we allowed more in, we could have had more out which would mean less trapped in Aleppo now. Truthfully, we don't know what's happening in there at the moment; who's in control; is there a counter-attack currently; how many sides are fighting in there; how many civilians are still in there; how many civilians have lost their lives in the last few days or weeks? We just don't know.
But alongside talking about it, there are many organisations you can donate to if you feel you could, or would like to or even have the money (I understand the monetary issue with donating, especially at Christmas time having shelled out on decorations and gifts and food and Christmas parties, but if you do feel able to give I will list some charities below). Others of you, who either wish not to give money, or cannot, I would urge to look around the internet on petition.parliament.uk at various petitions currently in circulation and if you see one you agree with, sign it! Some of you may not even need to scour the internet yourself, as social media is very quick to spread the message of petitions set up. The main thing I would advise here is to make sure it's petition.parliament.uk not change.org or another petition based website as they may not be directly (or at all) relayed to the government, and may not have a legally obligated response (petition.parliament.uk give a response at 10,000 signatures, and debated in house of commons at 100,000 signatures). A last, very simple step you could take right now, reading this, is to share this post with your friends, or perhaps when you find a petition you agree with, share that. But in the certainty of your plans this holiday, remember those who are out of place, out of plans and possibly, out of time.
Another cause I feel a need to relay at this time of year as often as any, is mental illness and suicide awareness around the holidays. There are plenty of people in this country who are trapped in the battlefield of their own minds, or battles of an abusive relationship. I know these plights, and I will, again, share appropriate numbers for you or a loved one, or even someone who happens across this post and needs someone to talk to. As full of family and love this holiday can bring, it just as easily can bring feelings of isolation, low mood and contribute to a worse mental well-being and thoughts and feelings of harming yourself or suicide. If someone seems irritable with you, whether they're stressed, or just seem to be quieter than normal, ask them how they are, and be prepared to listen.
Merry Christmas, be kind to each other, goodnight.

Syria - Children's Aid

Syria Relief: https://www.syriarelief.org.uk/
Syria Relief is a UK based charity that provides medical and educational aid and has touched the lives of 1.8 million (1,800,000) Syrians in need. You can also chose which area you would like your donation to go towards.

Save the Children: www.savethechildren.org.uk
Save the Children believes every child deserves a future. In the UK and around the world, we give children a healthy start to life, the opportunity to learn and protection from harm. Again you can choose a crisis to donate to.

Other organisations such as your local shelter agency are brilliant causes, for those who have sought refuge in your area either from another country's war-torn plains or the fear or violence of a relationship.

Domestic Violence - Relationships

The National Domestic Violence Helpline: http://www.nationaldomesticviolencehelpline.org.uk/
The freephone 24 hour National Domestic Violence Helpline, run inpartnership between Women's Aid and Refuge, is a national service for women experiencing domestic violence, their family, friends, colleagues and others ringing on their behalf.

Men's Advice Line: https://www.mensadviceline.org.uk/
Help and support for male victims of domestic violence. Men's Advice Line: confidential helpline for men experiencing domestic violence from a partner or ex-partner (or from other family members).

Mental Illness - Grief

The Samaritan's: http://www.samaritans.org/  | 116 123 (free from any phone, mobile or landline in the UK)
Talk to us any time you like, in your own way, and off thew record-- about whatever's getting to you. You don't have to be suicidal.

Childline: https://www.childline.org.uk/   | 0800 1111 (from any phone, mobile or landline in the UK)
Get info and advice about a wide range of issues, talk to a counsellor online, send Childline an email or post on the message boards.

The Compassionate Friends: https://www.tcf.org.uk/   | 0345 123 2304 (10:00-16:00 and 19:00-22:00 every day of the year, from any phone, mobile or landline in the UK)
Support for any bereaved parents or sibling. Phones are always answered by a parent who has lost a child. 

Cruise Bereavement Care: http://www.cruse.org.uk/ 
Cruise is the leading national charity for bereaved people in England, Wales and Northern Ireland. We offer support, advice and information to children, young people and adults when someone dies, and work to enhance society's care of bereaved people.

Christmas 2016 Blood Donation

Christmas 2016, laying down, hooked up to a machine that keeps beeping, needle in my arm, nurse buzzing in regularly—with a smile on my face. I’m not ill. I’m so well, in fact that I’m sat here quite peacefully, helping the medics of our country to save lives. Blood donation isn’t selfless (does altruism even exist?), blood donation is satisfying, and for the girl lying next to me it seemed quite esteem boosting as she eagerly told me it was her 28^th donation! I’m not saying that you should give blood to make yourself feel better; you probably don’t feel guilty NOT donating, so you wouldn’t be making yourself feel better by donating. Well I know why I do—if that first sentence didn’t end with a smile and I was waiting for a blood transfusion, or platelets that never came, would I make it to Christmas? I’m also not going to throw an advert at you with a dying teenage lad and ask if you’d expect a liver, or a pint of blood if you were him. But poorly people always need blood. Christmas, summer, your birthday; every day 6,000 blood donations save lives. And you can look at that figure and say “well plenty of people give blood, if there aren’t mad statistics on the lunchtime news about a lack of donors why do I need to start donating?” Well think about how many people die each year, some of them donors, some in need of donation. Our population is on a nice ‘rinse and repeat’ cycle. One in, one out so-to-speak.

200,000 new blood donors are needed every year to fill the perpetually revolving places of ex-donors, whether they have died, become unwell themselves, or are no longer allowed to donate. You could wait until you’re a little older, but what if you became unwell yourself in a few years and were no longer able to give blood?

*Other forms of blood donation like platelet donation can be more beneficial and donated more often. The process is just as safe as, if not more than, whole blood donation, for more info look at the last paragraph (it's asterisked because it's boring if you don't care).

I wondered what it must be like at the donor centre for the nurses and phlebotomists, working with non-patients; you train at uni or med school, have placements in hospitals and GP surgeries and then land yourself a job working at the opposite end of medicine; working with healthy people, helping you help others to treat patients back in those hospitals. I suppose it would be like a teacher running training on an inset day; how do you teach a teacher? How do you ‘treat’ a non-patient who isn't ill?

Lastly I wanted to say that I’m not going to cut ties in our friendship if you don’t give blood; it is up to you! It’s not for everyone; my grandad tried to donate, he gave one pint then passed out. My sister came with me to my appointment today, but she’s scared of needles, and whilst she did incredibly well asking questions about the size of the needle and if you’re hooked up to a bag or machine, she’s a far way off wanting to try donating herself. Two of my very close friends have both wanted to give blood for a long time, but they both are unable to donate due to frequent trips out of the country. However, if you’re not scared of needles, don’t have a medical history that prevents you from donating and haven't been out of the country in the last 3-6 months (regional differences), I would ask you at least to look into the donating process and see if it might be something you could do or simply just raise awareness for others to have a look or take some interest in. If you do want to go but are nervous I will happily accompany you (unless you're reading this from another country, sorry!), or talk about donation if you had any questions you'd like to ask a real human rather than an FAQ on the donor website (another great place to find out more).

Merry Christmas—give a gift that keeps on giving.

*Not only is blood always needed, but platelets (small cell fragments found in blood, very important in blood clotting) are also needed. If you donate whole blood-- hooked up to a bag like I was today-- you can only donate every 4 months if you're female or 3 months if you're male, this process, start to finish including health check before and snack afterwards, takes about an hour. However, if you donate platelets (which takes 90 minutes - 2 hours) you can donate much more often as the body doesn't have to work anyway near as hard to replace what was taken, you can donate every 14 days. In addition, each donation collects enough platelets for 2-3 adult transfusions or up to 12 children's transfusions, compared with 1 pint three times a year with whole blood. This means if you donate every 14 days for a year you will be helping anywhere between 42-252 people. Platelet donation isn't taking a pint of blood; you have a needle in your arm just like with blood donation, but blood is taken from you, 50ml at a time, run through a machine which separates the platelets out, then given back to you without the platelets which are put into a bag (they look gross). Platelets are important for people with cancer, specifically blood and bone cancers like a leukemia or Hodgkin's Lymphoma. Also children with blood disorders, a condition called ITP (Immune Thrombocytopenia), infections during bone marrow transplants, or a condition called purpura which my brother actually had, which eats through platelets like no one's business and causes bleeds under the skin looking like monstrous bruises. I actually went today with the intention of in a few weeks' time giving platelets, but currently the B&T team are only recruiting for blood group A+ and A- donors; I am O+ so they don't want my mushy yellow clotting blobs at the moment. In the meantime, you could go along to a donor centre near you and see if you're eligible to give platelets, or blood!

World Mental Health Day 2016

As I sit typing this blog post, late in the evening of World Mental Health Day I realise I've left it a bit late in the day to be putting out new material, and I have been wanting to write and post something all day, but I've not known which path to take. I've decided I'll talk from my own perspective, and having struggled with my mental health since my early teens, I thought I would share my observations of people's attitudes towards mental health, and more specifically, mental illness.

Firstly I would like to point out that I've just come out of a psychiatric hospital, where I spent 12 weeks coming down from a manic episode, then up from a lower mood. During my time in hospital I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, a mood disorder characterised by extreme mood swings from very low (depression) to very high (mania). During my time in hospital I met a lot of people, some great, some not so great. I also had an 'influx of caring' as I'll refer to it. This brings me to my main observation: Britain loves a crisis. By this I don't mean that we like when hurricanes hit, or when towns flood or the world goes to war. I mean we're very much and 'out-of-sight out-of-mind' society. We even have emojis for 'hear no evil, see no evil, do no evil'. If that's not a text world built on aversion I don't know what is. The 'influx of caring' I'm talking about is people sending me cards, or visiting me or doing their absolute best at caring by 'reacting' to a facebook update with a sad face (this is another thing I will come to soon). The Influx of Caring is when everyone rallies round to visit someone in hospital, people I haven't seen for a while, or who wouldn't have offered to meet up with me if I was out of hospital and perfectly healthy, or even sat at home in an episode of depression. Just because someone's not in hospital doesn't mean they're not ill. But here in England-- generally developed society-- we like to ignore issues until they're pushed in our faces; we don't care about a specific issue until it is directly affecting our lives-- or our news feeds (again, yet to come). I had people offering to come and visit, supportive cards and letters sent to me, several messages on facebook from people I don't often talk to or haven't seen in years, everyone sorry to hear I'm unwell and hope I'm on the mend soon. But now that I'm out of hospital? I've had one card 'glad to hear you're out of hosptial'. Even though it is more convenient for my friends to come to my home or to meet me in town than it is to have got to my unit all the way in mansfield, I've had only my best friend meet up with me. On my week on leave from hospital I had a lot booked- people wanted to see me, wanted my help with things, to take me out, loads of offers. Since the day I've been discharged though, I've been very couch-potato. The only consistent time I leave the house is Wednesday evenings to go swimming with my dad. I know that when someone is in crisis it's easy to see and to offer support, but when I was in hospital I had 24 hour care, people to talk to if I needed, never alone if I didn't want to be, I was looked after-- I didn't need people to visit to do whatever they thought they were doing. Don't get me wrong, I am SO grateful for all of my visitors, friends, family, family-friends! It did boost morale and helped motivate me to get out of hospital. But my point is- I had professional help and care. Now that I am at home though, no one calls. No one sends cards, or offers to visit. I'm currently coming to terms with a diagnosis which in one way is a relief because there is finally a name to a face and once you know what the problem is, then you can start fixing it. But right now is when most of my rehabilitation happens; going back into the community, doing things, seeing people, getting meaning back to my life once again. Among all this 'finding the new normal' and adjusting my lifestyle to prevent triggers and relapse, I've also got to be thinking about what I learned from my time in hospital, how I can prevent further episodes, and trying to identify early warning signs. These things would all be a lot easier with the support of friends and family. Whilst I have the unlimited support of my mum, dad, brother and sister, I'm failing to have much support from those who were offering the world and his wife when I was in hospital. I didn't know mania was coming, so I wasn't monitoring 'symptoms' or early warning signs, so I don't know what they are. Once the mania set in and I was at crisis point, I was so out of it that I don't remember the signs of an impending crisis. These are things I'm coming to terms with and trying to remember and record, and learn from to help myself stay better for longer.

The next point I want to make is about social networking sites and how people think they are really helping by typing a few words on their keyboard. Again I'm not ungrateful for people's support-- it is nice to know people care and I know some of those people really are 'thinking of (me)' or 'praying for (me) and family'. But honestly, reacting with a sad face when my dad tells you I've been admitted to hospital? Top class care that is. If all you can muster when one of your 'friends' is in crisis, perhaps you're not the best match after all. And again, I understand that some people mean what they say-- I know my dad's work colleagues were concerned about him and me and the situation, I know people from St Micheal and All Angels care about, and were praying for, me. But people I haven't spoken to in years, people who have actually contributed to my anxiety, or to my depression, or have been callous with my grief, those people popping up and telling me they're there if I need to talk? No. You're not there anytime I need to talk, because I needed to talk a few years ago when I was in my first pit of depression, and you spread rumours and prompted me for gossip. You won't bring me anything I need, because now that I'm out of hospital your support seems to no longer be on offer. I also take umbrage to facebook's 'reactions' and people commenting on statuses because if people really genuinely cared, they would go out of their way to make a difference, like sending a card, or even just messaging privately on facebook; a status is put under your nose when you're checking your facebook feed "oh no, thinking of you". Do you then think to yourself "Yes, Francesca, today you have made a difference in Hana's life. She'll know you care deeply because you commented on her dad's status she was tagged in. I deserve a 'stigma free' medal!". I don't think so.

The final point I want to make, and of course the most obvious, is that I talk about people 'rallying round', but in all honesty, people don't. People do not want to get their hands dirty- no commitment, no obligation. I'll use that classic line "If mental illness was treated like physical illness ____".

Imagine, in Nottingham, Maggie's Cancer Trust (the cancer hub for Nottingham), and the newly opened Teenage Cancer Trust suite at QMC pack up, because they're looking towards more preventative treatments than inpatient, because if they can prevent enough cancer, the beds won't be needed because cancer won't exist or can be managed in the community. Imagine breaking your leg and waiting for 6 weeks to get it cast, in the meantime being prescribed the most run-of-the-mill painkiller because hey- if it works for one it woks for all! Let's go back to the case in point, my friend tried to kill herself a few years ago. She was suffering from depression and an eating disorder among other things. she was 14 years old, and because there weren't enough beds on any CAMHS (child and adolescent mental health services) units, she spent nearly two weeks on a post-surgery ward with a little boy who had an ear operation and a kid who fell off his bike and into a coma. Another example, I know someone else who tried to kill themselves. She had depression and anxiety, and was referred for counselling by her Doctor. The wait for assessment was 12 months, by which point her medication had started working and she was more stable, her assessor telling her (remember after the 12 month wait) that the therapy she had been referred to was not suitable for her. The reason I gave hypothetical scenarios for physical illness and genuine scenarios for mental illness is that you would never be waiting 6 weeks for a broken bone to be seen too, but if you've tried to kill yourself, waiting between 3 and 12 months to start treatment is a very real possibility. So is the bed shortage; if a child in Nottingham requires inpatient treatment specifically for an eating disorder, the closest units are in Lancashire and Solihull (Birmingham). I've talked a lot about the difference in health care for physical vs mental, and I wrote an entire blog post previously about the social attitude to mental illness in comparison to physical illness, so I think I've rambled on long enough for tonight. I will, however, sign off with some top tips:

1. Never dismiss someone's mental health problems. If someone's trusted you enough to tell you they're struggling, they deserve your respect. They've opened up about a big taboo so don't you dare belittle them.

2. Keep caring after the crisis is over. Just because they're no longer in hospital doesn't mean they don't still need a cup of tea or walk and a chat.

3. If you're struggling with mental health problems please, please talk to someone. Humans aren't as scary as you'd think.

You don't have to be suicidal to call, you don't have to be in crisis to call. But you can call in either of those scenarios as well.

Samaritans
24-hour confidential telephone, email and text message service.
Samaritans.org
Toll Free: 08457 90 90 90

C.A.L.M. Helpline

National helpline open 7 days a week, 5pm to midnight. Callers can talk through any issue.

wrt.lv/CALMzone

Phone: 0800 58 58 58

Also check out To Write Love on Her Arms, a charity dedicated for providing hope and finding help for those struggling with drepession, addiction, selfharm and suicide, along with a load of other issues. They're celebrating their 10th anniversary this year, well worth a drop in. www.TWLOHA.com

Where I've Been

In the last year I’ve been quite absent from the internet, once again. But for the last 11 weeks I’ve been quite absent from everywhere. I thought I would write a blog post to briefly explain what’s happened in my life over the last year and a half, and explain what I’m doing now, and this will hopefully be the first in a long line of weekly or bi-weekly posts.

Firstly, I did post a couple of times when I was away at drama school, and I posted one video after the most significant event of my life so far, which actually made no mention of the event. I’ve mentioned it in the posts from when I was in Birmingham, but I am now going to say in laymans terms, the truth which cannot be misinterpreted: My brother died on July 16^th 2015. It was the worst day of my life and the most traumatic event that I’ve ever had the displeasure of living through. Although the day is over, I can often find myself trapped back there, reliving the day in excrutiating detail. I have tried writing everything I can remember, in the hopes that my mind would stop replaying it now that it’s all written down, because it no longer had to ‘remember’. Unfortunately it didn’t work. I wrote 14 pages on Microsoft word in font size 11, one day when I was in Birmingham in the midst of a pit of depression, and it took me about 2 hours. I then emailed my support worker from the hospice Josh, my brother, used to go to for respite, telling her my hopes for not having my mind surprise me with what I call my ‘grievy gravy days’; the days that are totally consumed by my loss when I cannot escape the feelings of mourning and grief I feel; the days where the feelings come uninvited and seep into everything making my brain grey and soggy. On those days I can’t do anything but think of Josh, and I really am no use to anybody.

The second part of my explanation came out there; I’ve had depression. Big hand for any of you that have never picked up on my battle with mental illness in the past. I literally wrote a blog post explaining the lethargy of depression and how would I know unless I’d been there? Basically I’ve had recurrent depression since I was about 14, mixed with anxiety. We now know that I suffer with a mood disorder (story for another time) which involves mood swings from very high to very low, and my lows were frequent and severe. When I was in Birmingham I hit a low in around November, after what would have been my brother’s birthday. I developed unhealthy coping mechanisms which made my mood progressively worse over the months I was in Birmingham, and I became isolated, missing classes and withdrawing socially. When I came back from Birmingham I landed myself a job by making a good impression on someone’s child, and started working a month or so later. After I started my new job, my mood was up and (with a combination of medications and help from family) I was back on my feet. But not for long.

After my mood started coming up, I began to get a bit too ‘speeded up’; I had so much energy I didn’t need sleep, I could clean anything the world dirtied and I could talk for England. I ended up getting quite ill and that takes me to my last area of where I’ve been: hospital. I’m not officially out yet, but I’ve been on a lot of leave (going home for days and now overnight), and making the most of my new self. I’m not back to where I was, and I probably never will be. I’ll be moving forward from here a new person. I need to learn my limits, adjust to a routine where I will be doing things and hopefully going back to work and dog walking and baby-sitting, and start coping with life.

“I had to learn how to bend without the world caving in, I had to learn what I’ve got, what I’m not and who I am”

This is the start of my next chapter and I would love to share it with you. Every day without Josh is another challenge, but I know my family are going through the same pain as I am, and I can either write, or talk, or call Rainbows (the hospice Josh went to). Each time I ring Rainbows I just want to know about him, and often the carers there are able to tell me something new, or funny, or remind me of something I forgot I knew. Things I do know though, are: that he is missed by everyone who knew him; his life continues to inspire others, in spite of him no longer living it; that Josh’s life will continue through ours, like a candle being blown out with the smoke billowing for a time even after the flame’s gone; and lastly that I have his eyes. I will tell a wonderful story, though brief, about how Josh literally seeped into every aspect of my life, alive or dead. He’s still affecting me now and I know he was looking after me when I was in hospital.

Thank you for reading this post, I’m sorry if it leave questions unanswered, just ask them in the comments and I’ll try my best to reply as soon as possible. I’ll hopefully be writing again soon, weekly as I mentioned.

-Frankenfred

The More I Learn The Less I Know

The more I learn the less I know

I’m sure that’s a quote from someone but if it’s not, it can be now, from me. Since being away from my family I’ve realised that there is a lot they haven’t taught me—not in a “wow why didn’t you tell me this stuff?!” kind of way but more in a way where I realise most people around me have a better understanding of social situations and general knowledge than I do. Don’t get me wrong, I’m full of random crap that couldn’t help you in an exam but would make you winner of the ‘random shit’ quiz 5 years running. I’ve described my knowledge before as knowing as much content as I would need to get an A* at A-Level, but in things that would never come up in an exam. Think of it like: Stephen Fry and I would never be beaten in a pub quiz. But since coming to this new place with new people, I’ve realised there is a lot of ‘stuff’ that I don’t know about: for instance, whether it’s okay to ask certain questions, or do certain things. One thing that has been prominent in my life as socially unacceptable for many years is lying down on the floor: in school, at home, shopping, wherever I am, I just like being on the floor, sitting or lying. Obviously I’ve never just lay down in the frozen food aisle, or in the middle of the road (apart from when it’s super quiet like in the height of summer or the middle of the night, because who hasn’t dared themselves to lie down in the middle of the road?!) but at 6^th form at lunch time when people start talking about things beyond my comprehension (see this post), or in church when trying to explain to a 3 year old why my hair is so long. Since coming to drama school, however, it’s suddenly 100% okay to lie down in the middle of the corridor, or read a play upside-down in the common room (hats off to the 3^rd years who never bat an eyelid when I do this). But I still get asked if I want to sit on a sofa at friend’s house when I’ve chosen a nice little seat on the floor. One of my acting tutors often talks about when his past students or colleagues have realise they do something, and why, and I’m waiting for the day I understand why I prefer the floor to anywhere else. I’m sure there is a reason, I just have yet to find it.

Lying down isn’t really what this post is about though, it just demonstrates one of the things that gets me tied in knots. It is okay in some places, but not in others, to do certain things or ask certain questions, and I’m often left wondering why such a dramatic change in dynamic is created. You have to dress like ‘this’ ‘here’, and ‘that’ ‘there’. I was talking to a friend about whether it’s okay to ask someone if they’re a virgin, and she said if you’re on a personal level then yes. I was left with two musings after that. Firstly, my relationship with my class-mates isn’t necessarily all-round personal but we almost all know who’s had sex and who hasn’t. Secondly, how do you know if you’re ‘on a personal level’? Now all I hoped for was a yes or no answer, but I was left with a provoked thought and another question. This is one thing I haven’t learned—what questions are okay to ask. I spend a lot of my time asking others if I’m allowed to do things; I wonder actually why I need constant reassurance that my actions are sound; someone offers for me to sit on a sofa and I ask if I’m genuinely allowed to. I ask if it’s okay to ask the question I’m about to ask. Why can’t you ‘mix’ alcohol, and what even is ‘mixing’? How do you know what alcohols are different, because even two spirits are made in different ways and why is it okay to drink milk with baileys but not anything else because at the end of the day they’re both alcohol.

I remember the first time I actually ‘drank’ alcohol. My parents had gone away for the weekend, and my sister had a friend round. They wanted to have a drink and offered to make me one. I didn’t understand why my sister would give me alcohol and she said that our parents wouldn’t condone me drinking, but she would rather give me my first drink in the house, when she’s around and can look after me, and for me to be able to safely find out what I do and don’t like, and what does and doesn’t agree with me. I liked this because she was teaching me one of those things my parents didn’t, and wouldn’t have thought to teach me. There are things in my mind these days though that aren’t taught, and as I say I find myself asking more and more questions which people often don’t have the answers to, so of course my family couldn’t have taught me because they’re general questions about complicated matter. But I do wish I had an understanding of the ‘time and place’ for other questions, or indeed the ones I have.

The complicated questions I have, I don’t know who I can ask. I have friends I have made who I have only recently met, who I don’t want to overwhelm with all of my confusing thoughts, and I have friends I have known for years who I know for sure can’t answer my questions. I often want to just write them down so I don’t forget them, so I can remind myself that I have thought about these things (again like the other blog post). One question I had tonight was ‘how do we know what questions are?’

‘How do we know what questions are?’ is very loaded in itself, and there are several aspects I would like explaining to me. Firstly, how do we know when a question is asked? I’m not talking about punctuation, but how do we know that someone has said a something we are required to think about and respond to? The language of course! But again, language is but a symbol of what we’re actually trying to do; how do we know what the words mean? Where did the intent behind these words come from and how is it that we recognise them as inquisitive or probing words? Define ‘how’, is one of the things I would like to do. Another word I have often wondered about defining is ‘it’: what does ‘it’ actually mean? These things get me wrapped up in feelings and thoughts and once again leave me having an existential crisis. The next part of my question is about the answer. How and why do we respond to questions the way we do? This is all very confusing to me and I’m sure it’s no clearer to you but if you’re a philosopher who has any thoughts on this then please do get in touch via my blog email so we can have a chat! How do we understand our own responses, how do we have the freedom to think on what has been given to us, how is that formulated into a response, and why do we give it?

Another thing that has me all confused at the moment, is friendship, liking and loving people. Our first project on our foundation was a devised piece of theatre on the theme of ‘love’. Such a vague theme brought so many different approaches, but once again left me with more questions than answers (which I suppose is what good theatre aims to do, but I do find it often frustrating, how stupid or insignificant I feel). The only person I know I truly have ever loved is my brother, Joshua, who I mentioned in my previous blog post. I only know I love(d?) him because of how much I miss him in mourning. Because of the physical sensations I get when I think of him, or my emotional reactions to when I remember that he is gone and is never going to come back: I won’t ever see his face again in life or feel his tiny arms hug me. So how do I know who I love in living and waking? I tell Heather, my friend from Nottingham, that I love her very often, and my sister, and even these days my parents. But I don’t know how I know that feeling. I have no discernible image or gesture that tells me I love them, or even how I feel about them. In terms of liking people and forming friendships, I have formed many friendships since moving to Birmingham, but I don’t know how they happened. I have friendships with Heather, Stefi and Karen, all of whom I met at Christian Union, and Bobbi, Anna and Emma who are on my course. I don’t know how I know that I like these people though. I struggle to define how it is that I want to talk to them, or see them. I’m not sure what the feeling of attachment is, or whether I have it towards these people now, or ever will. I mentioned about how I’m not homesick in my previous blog post, and how the only person I miss is my brother, and that furthers my feeling that I don’t know who I love, like or am friends with. People usually ‘miss’ their friends, and I often tell Heather and Meghan and Karina that I miss them, but in reality I don’t understand what that is. For me, saying it, it could be that at that moment I wish I was playing Minecraft in Meghan’s bed while her mum cooks kickass wedges, or that I was drinking tea with Karina after that bloody freezing December morning photoshoot which saw me wearing several sleeveless dresses, or snuggled under a blanket with Heather playing one of the many films we recommend to each other but never get round to actually watching. I don’t know how I know these things, but I do, and I don’t understand how I can feel the things that cause me to think these things, but I can say them and believe them so they must be how I feel. I asked Stefi how one knows if they’re friends with someone. She responded with a couple of comments, one about just knowing you like a person, another about feeling certain things, as if you get a sense that you and this person will get on well. I understand about the feelings of ‘this person and I are going to get on well’. I have the same sense with others but negatively—I meet a person and feel something not necessarily that I would choose to feel. I do wait before I consciously think that don’t like them, but somehow I feel I just don’t get a spark how I do with other people (like I did with Stefi and Bobbi), then they do something or say something which I feel gives me almost a reason to dislike them, or it could be something they don’t say. It could be that they use an opinion I disagree with, or something as shallow as they kept scratching the back of their hand when answering questions I asked. In terms of forming relationships, some people I don’t necessarily feel anything for immediately, but the second or third time I see them I realise I want to talk to them or them to talk to me; that happened with Karen. That’s another feeling that I guess is construed as friendship. I hope it is, as these people are nice and I do enjoy their company; another deal in the package of friendship I think? I just think it’s interesting the different ways ‘friendships’ form, and confusing about what these feelings and ‘friendships’ actually are.

Tonight (26/11/15) I was going to ask a friend my question about questions, but thought on it for a little while and realised what I briefly mentioned earlier: I didn’t actually want an answer, I just wanted to write it down so I could remember that I had thought it. Sometimes people think a question, then answer the question. Have you ever forgotten something, only to remember it later and kick yourself that you didn’t remember when it was relevant? Have you ever realised you know something, perhaps someone asks a question and you know the answer and it surprises you? I feel like I’m writing this in the hope that a combination of those two scenarios might happen, or neither in fact. I didn’t intend for this post to be so long, and congratulations if you’re still here, I only just am, to be honest with you. If I ever come up with an answer for my ‘questions’ here, I may or may not share them, I may or may not write them down and I may or may not even remember why I thought of them. This much I can say for myself though:

The more I learn, the less I know. Today or tomorrow, when I have thought more thoughts than before, and learnt more things than now, I will be a different person to who I was, but the old me will still be there, contributing to who I am now.