Where I've Been

In the last year I’ve been quite absent from the internet, once again. But for the last 11 weeks I’ve been quite absent from everywhere. I thought I would write a blog post to briefly explain what’s happened in my life over the last year and a half, and explain what I’m doing now, and this will hopefully be the first in a long line of weekly or bi-weekly posts.

Firstly, I did post a couple of times when I was away at drama school, and I posted one video after the most significant event of my life so far, which actually made no mention of the event. I’ve mentioned it in the posts from when I was in Birmingham, but I am now going to say in laymans terms, the truth which cannot be misinterpreted: My brother died on July 16^th 2015. It was the worst day of my life and the most traumatic event that I’ve ever had the displeasure of living through. Although the day is over, I can often find myself trapped back there, reliving the day in excrutiating detail. I have tried writing everything I can remember, in the hopes that my mind would stop replaying it now that it’s all written down, because it no longer had to ‘remember’. Unfortunately it didn’t work. I wrote 14 pages on Microsoft word in font size 11, one day when I was in Birmingham in the midst of a pit of depression, and it took me about 2 hours. I then emailed my support worker from the hospice Josh, my brother, used to go to for respite, telling her my hopes for not having my mind surprise me with what I call my ‘grievy gravy days’; the days that are totally consumed by my loss when I cannot escape the feelings of mourning and grief I feel; the days where the feelings come uninvited and seep into everything making my brain grey and soggy. On those days I can’t do anything but think of Josh, and I really am no use to anybody.

The second part of my explanation came out there; I’ve had depression. Big hand for any of you that have never picked up on my battle with mental illness in the past. I literally wrote a blog post explaining the lethargy of depression and how would I know unless I’d been there? Basically I’ve had recurrent depression since I was about 14, mixed with anxiety. We now know that I suffer with a mood disorder (story for another time) which involves mood swings from very high to very low, and my lows were frequent and severe. When I was in Birmingham I hit a low in around November, after what would have been my brother’s birthday. I developed unhealthy coping mechanisms which made my mood progressively worse over the months I was in Birmingham, and I became isolated, missing classes and withdrawing socially. When I came back from Birmingham I landed myself a job by making a good impression on someone’s child, and started working a month or so later. After I started my new job, my mood was up and (with a combination of medications and help from family) I was back on my feet. But not for long.

After my mood started coming up, I began to get a bit too ‘speeded up’; I had so much energy I didn’t need sleep, I could clean anything the world dirtied and I could talk for England. I ended up getting quite ill and that takes me to my last area of where I’ve been: hospital. I’m not officially out yet, but I’ve been on a lot of leave (going home for days and now overnight), and making the most of my new self. I’m not back to where I was, and I probably never will be. I’ll be moving forward from here a new person. I need to learn my limits, adjust to a routine where I will be doing things and hopefully going back to work and dog walking and baby-sitting, and start coping with life.

“I had to learn how to bend without the world caving in, I had to learn what I’ve got, what I’m not and who I am”

This is the start of my next chapter and I would love to share it with you. Every day without Josh is another challenge, but I know my family are going through the same pain as I am, and I can either write, or talk, or call Rainbows (the hospice Josh went to). Each time I ring Rainbows I just want to know about him, and often the carers there are able to tell me something new, or funny, or remind me of something I forgot I knew. Things I do know though, are: that he is missed by everyone who knew him; his life continues to inspire others, in spite of him no longer living it; that Josh’s life will continue through ours, like a candle being blown out with the smoke billowing for a time even after the flame’s gone; and lastly that I have his eyes. I will tell a wonderful story, though brief, about how Josh literally seeped into every aspect of my life, alive or dead. He’s still affecting me now and I know he was looking after me when I was in hospital.

Thank you for reading this post, I’m sorry if it leave questions unanswered, just ask them in the comments and I’ll try my best to reply as soon as possible. I’ll hopefully be writing again soon, weekly as I mentioned.

-Frankenfred