How to Moult Your Cat

One Cat [check]
One Brush [check]

How to train your dragon- wait wrong one

How to moult your cat.


You Will Need:

1 cat
1 moulting brush
Full body armours (optional)
Elephant tranquilizers

The cat can be seen hiding
in plain site.

Step 1. Locate your cat

Your cat may sense the evil presence of help, and will most likely hide from you. Cats think they are cunning and tend to hide where they think you won’t look, for example: in a chimney hollow; behind a sofa; on a roof. Sometimes though, the cat will attempt to trick you by hiding in super obvious places like on a bench or bed. These are the places you will slip up. The cat is cunning by presenting a cute front, in an attempt to distract you from your real intention.

Don't let the cute distract you!

Cute paws at the camera lens in an
attempt to distract the moult-er

Step 2. Eyes on the prize

As mentioned in step 1, cats will attempt to blind you of your goal by being cute. Ignore the cute. This might be a good time to put your body armour on, too.


Step 3. Tranquilize the cat



Step 4. Be prepared

Your cat won’t like being moulted because they refuse help. In this way cats are similar to grandmas. Read more about that here. This has nothing at all to do with the fact that cats have a cleaning instinct and they know how to moult themselves. This is a lie. They need you to moult them. This won’t at all result in a scratchy bitey cat and a bloody slightly sore arm. They just hate being helped. They’re very independent creatures, you’ll know.

Step 5. Ready your brush

      I. Get your brush.
     II. Hold it in your hand
    III. Place on the cat’s neck
    IV. Get scratched to death “Small sharp scratch”

Step 6. Commence brushing

It might be easier to hold the cat in place as they may squirm. Here you will need two hands. I find it helps to label them (left hand is ‘L’ and right hand is ‘R’). Hold the cat with your non-writing hand; if you are ambidextrous this won’t be an issue- simply pick the hand you care less about. If you’re left-handed, this might be your means to a sticky end*. Pull the brush from the scruff of the cat’s neck to the tail base. Release.




Step 7. Repeat step 6

Repeat step 6 until either your cat wriggles free or you’re dangerously close to bleeding out filling the brush. You’ll know your brush is full because you will no longer be able to see the bristles.

Step 8. Get to hospital.

Unless you were wearing body armour, you might need medical attention. Ring an ambulance if your bleeding is serious, otherwise ring NHS direct (in England + Wales) because everyone knows how great NHS direct are. Alternatively, pour alcohol on your scratches and bind with a clean t-shirt. I think that’s what Bear Grylls does? Also, drink your own pee**.

Step 9. Don’t moult your cat

I mean, I moult my cat, but he’s more of a dog than a cat. By which I mean he’s a dog. Well, he’s a dog if you mean a dog in a cat’s body? We have a lead for him. Though last time we used it he wriggled out of it and almost killed me (with worry). He was off his lead for a good 10 seconds and it was the scariest 10 seconds of my life. Apart from the time I almost died under my brother’s bed (again there’s a blog post on that). Or the time I almost drowned… maybe I should write a post on that. Very traumatic, wouldn't like it to happen to anyone else. ANYWAY, long story short, you might want to steer clear of moulting your cat unless it’s a pedigree or really old. Or it’s a dog masquerading as a cat.



 *Disclaimer my year 9 English teacher (who would prefer not to be named) told us that left-handed people live approximately 6 years less than those who are right-handed. To my knowledge this hasn't been disproved. If you are left handed, you may wish to get an ambidextrous or right-handed friend to assist you in your cat moulting endeavor.

** This might be for dehydration. That could also be a problem depending how long you've been trying to moult your cat